99.2 FM

They're a working class northern family who live in a cosy
two-up two down with outside loo in Barnoldswick in the
era of pounds, shillings and pence. There is almost always
a Brass Band playing two or three streets away each time
we join Alf, Audrey and Little Billy as they play out their daily lives.
Alf's always short of money, but he can usually manage a packet of Woodbines, which he sends Billy to fetch from the corner shop.

Audrey

Audrey is a typical 1950s "working class" housewife and mam. She likes entering competitions and winning holidays to Venus (she's easily confused with her pronunciation and really means Venice). Audrey's not as bright as Alf and is often a bit slow on the uptake. For example, she seems to think that the coalman and Michael Morris's marn are just 'friends' despite the obvious - the Morris household for some reason is NEVER short of coal! Audrey's not the best cook either - when she made steak and kidney pudding for Billy and Alf's tea she left it boiling dry resulting in burnt pastry (which tasted like cardboard according to Alf). If Alf comes home from work and finds Audrey only wearing one stocking, he knows they're having steak and kidney pudding for tea! Audrey gets quite annoyed when Alf refers to her uncle Walter as "Uncle Wally One-ball" - ha had a bit of a mishap in the war when a bullet nicked him

Alf

Audrey calls hubby Alf a "male shoulderless pig" He eats what he calls corned dog - corned beef to you and me!. The only time he's obviously nice to Billy is when he's had a few too many; he shows Audrey only mock affection, sarcastically calling her "my sweet little acid drop" and the like. Alf's good to Audrey, allowing her to fetch in the coal, make his tea, light the fire and wash up - she's even occasionally allowed to scrub his back when he gets into the tin bath in front of the kitchen range. One way or another he always manages to con Audrey out of the cash for his Woodbines, usually by confusing her. When Alf wants some peace and quiet you'll find him sat in the "cludgie" - the outside loo. Up on the roof of the loo sits a cat - who miaows loudly whenever Audrey comes out with one of her malapropisms - such as "Ooh Alf, can we go to the Blackpool hallucinations?"!

Billy

Our Billy is perhaps the most popular member of the family. He loves both his mam and dad (though Alf can be very mean to him on occasions). Billy enjoys going to the flicks and would like a pet of some sort, either a budgie or a goldfish, although Alf once promised him a Zedgie - if he could find one! (It's a cross between a budgie and a zebra!). Billy has a best friend called Michael Morris - who Alf calls "sken-eyed"! The pair of them are always getting into scrapes, often involving the local Bobby! Billy's on-off girlfriend is Winifred - he reckons girls are "rubbish at running" because she always lets him catch her when they're playing Kiss-catch! Billy's constantly being sent on errands to the corner shop, carrying the shopping list wrapped in a ten-bob note.